Go the $&%# to Sleep!

I try to be a patient mom. Really, I do. Patience does not come naturally to me. I come from a long line of hot blooded Italians with fiery tempers. So I try, VERY HARD, to keep it in check, and to remember that time is relative when you are 7, and that the concept doesn’t even exist yet when you are 1 1/2. As Curtis will tell you, I also have a horrible sense of time/distance/space, etc. So we do a lot of scrambling to get out the door, or to get to bed, and bed time for the boys, (which is supposed to be 7:30) is almost always at 8 or later.

Late night fun!

One of the reasons is after dinner is usually the most fun part of the day. The boys are fed, homework is done, everyone is home and all we need to do is play. Anthony and Jack chase each other, drive cars together and are just plain silly and really funny to watch. We wrestle, read, cheer for the boys as they do laps around the house, dance and just have a great time. I hate to end this, so the “2 more minutes” inevitably turns into 20. Again, this is partially because I really have no sense of time, so 20 min feels like 2 when we are having fun and I am always shocked when I look at the clock and 7 has become 7:20 in the blink of an eye.

This realization is the first stage of the parade of misery that is trying to get everyone clean, teeth brushed, into pjs and into bed.

Time for bed… AJ is clearly thrilled.

It starts out well with Jack leading the pack up the stairs. He then takes off at full speed the moment his foot hits the top floor and hides, either behind his brother’s bed, or  into my bathroom where he proceeds to throw everything he can get his hands on into the hamper. (Often these items have been pilfered from Anthony’s room). Just tonight I found the water container for my floor steamer in the hamper. He will put his dirty clothes in there as well, so I guess I shouldn’t complain too much, but it’s a lot  like opening a box of cracker jacks when I sort the laundry… there’s always a surprise! He likes to have a shower (no bath, just a shower!) and then loves to streak down the hallway naked. Trying to catch, then wrestle a wet naked, flailing baby onto the changing table and into a diaper and footie pajamas is like an olympic workout. If he doesn’t want to be picked up, he throws his arms up and goes completely limp like he has no bones. It’s almost impossible to hold onto him!  This trick should come in handy when he is trying to get away from the cops later in life!

The novelty of having a big boy toothbrush has worn off and we end up just short of a full headlock trying to get the brush onto the teeth. He usually does better if he is sitting on my sink, however tonight he used that opportunity to roundhouse kick everything which was previously located on the vanity across the room and onto the floor. My bathroom looks like the aftermath of a Chuck Norris movie when we finally make it out of there.

He really looks tired, doesn’t he?!? Notice the common theme in the background…

In the meantime, Anthony, who has the same routine EVERY SINGLE NIGHT, acts like he has never been notified that he needs to go to the bathroom, and brush his teeth before getting into bed. EVERY SINGLE NIGHT. So he appears in Jack’s room every 90 seconds, sometimes dressed, sometimes still in the buff, to stir up trouble. “Anthony, go brush your teeth and go to the bathroom.” “OK” runs out. 90 seconds later, runs into the room and jumps on the bed… (no pjs) “Anthony, did you brush your teeth and go to the bathroom?” “No, I forgot what I was supposed to do”. Me:”Grrrrrr” Anthony:”Fine, fine” runs out of room. 89 seconds later…   “Anthony, did you brush your teeth and go to the bathroom?” “No, I want to wait for you to come in.” “GO. BRUSH. TEETH. GO. TO. BATHROOM!” (Through clenched jaw) AJ: “BUT…” Me: “MOVE.” He runs out.  5 minutes later….. “Mommy! I built a statue out of the paper cups!” (Underwear now on, but backwards.) Me: “Awesome, but did you brush your teeth and go to the bathroom?” “No, I don’t have any more cups to rinse when I brush”…. all this while Jack is upside down and hanging head first off the end of the table knocking the diaper genie over and laughing like hell while trying to kick me in the face…

Feel like someone is missing from this scenario? That’s right. Where’s Curtis? Ah, he is laying on Anthony’s bed playing on his phone. He will occasionally yell out a “Listen to your mother!” Otherwise he tends to stay out of the line of sight (unless I hit nuclear level.)

It reminds me of the old Bill Cosby routine “The same thing happens every night” I always thought it was funny, but I never understood. I do now.

So once all of the nonsense has finally ended, everyone is in bed and tucked in, I can take a breath. Curtis goes downstairs to do whatever it is he does, and I grab the laundry, coupons, computer, (all of the above this evening, Jack didn’t take much of a nap, so not a great day for productivity) to do whatever is on the list for that day that hasn’t been completed.

It’s been 10-20 min since everyone got tucked in and I am either in my room, behind closed doors, or in the family room with Curtis. Then I hear it… “Mommy….. MOMMY…..MOMMY…..MOMMYYYYYYY!” Anthony yelling from his room. And it’s not because he is hurt, or sick, or there’s a legit problem. It’s nonsense. It’s the “Where are you sitting, what are you watching, where’s Daddy, what time are we getting up tomorrow, I want a cheese sandwich for lunch” garbage.

This is when all of my patience, self control, efforts at good parenting are officially gone. This is when I make the announcement to my husband that I am going back to work so that I can get some peace and quiet, or that we are getting a nanny and I am moving to Guam.

It makes me CRAZY!!! I mean really, we have survived the day. I did my job, no one ended up in the ER, no one got expelled from school, the house is standing, dinner was cooked and served. I am done! For the love of GOD… LET ME CLOCK OUT and fold laundry in peace.

Ahhhh. I know I am not the only one who goes through this… have you all heard this (Click for the link) yet? It’s Samuel L Jackson reading “Go the F^$# to Sleep” and it’s hilarious!  If you are a parent, you will love it. If you are thinking of becoming a parent, especially if you are currently pregnant, you might as well listen now. You will understand, soon. It even has an intro from him about why he wanted to do this narration. Parental Advisory: the lyrics are explicit, and you may very well pee your pants when you listen to this, (especially if you have ever been pregnant, let’s face it, peeing happens a little more easily now). You’ve been warned. Enjoy!

Alright, enough about my craziness… I’ve got laundry to fold. Check in tomorrow, I have an AWESOME featured guest who has an inspiring story for you all!

Sweet dreams! Now go the eff to sleep! 😉

Of COURSE I’ll go right to sleep, Ma!



Tara is a stay at home mom to two sons. She is a lover of family, friends, food and laughter. Her life is a roller coaster ride full of hilarity, diapers, exercise and fun.

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3 Responses

  1. Becky says:

    Have you tried a chart with a timer for Anthony? He can get a clipboard or dryerase to make it even more fun. Then it takes some of the battle away from you and more against the clock! Can he beat his best time? Sticker chart reward for getting it all done. I would love to watch all this b/c I am laughing as I read it!!!xo

  2. cheryl says:

    I love that book. It’s the same thing here every night and the first time we found that book we laughed so hard we just about spit out our drinks. It’s right-on. And righteous. And everything you would expect from Samuel L. Jackson. And, btw, the kids really should go the f&^$ to sleep.

    • Tara says:

      Cheryl- the first time I read that book I had the same reaction, but then hearing Samuel L Jackson read it kicked it up about 15 notches!! I know we will miss all this commotion some day… right?!? 😉

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