‘Twas the night before victory… (hopefully!) and the truth about my weight comes out.
Well…. here we are. It was September 13 when I decided to start my 31 pound challenge. The goal, was to lose 31 pounds by the end of 2012. Here’s the full post, in case you missed it: The Challenge.
There have been ups and downs, lots of changes and, finally, progress…. and it has all come to this point. As of this morning, I was .4 of a pound away from my goal. I feel like it’s the night before my wedding, Christmas, the SATs and a dream vacation all at the same time. Now, does it REALLY matter if I don’t hit my goal tomorrow? No. Would I love, love, love to see that number show up when I step on that scale in the am…. I think you all know the answer to that question.
But it’s such a strange feeling that I have. A little bit of me is really excited, a big part of me is really in disbelief, and for some reason, I feel really nervous. I set the goal at 31 pounds because it would put me past a big milestone number. One that I haven’t seen in more than 15 years, and for so long, I have thought, wished, wanted, cried over, and worked towards hitting this number that I just can’t believe that I am almost there.
Let me clarify something, I know the number on the scale is not the most important thing, and it’s hard to talk about this without appearing to put so much importance on weight. I tried to explain my feelings to a friend of mine who kept insisting that what I weigh is not as important as how I feel and what I am doing to be healthy. And I COMPLETELY agree with that. However, I have worked so hard for this and have put so much of myself into it and even though I was progressing with how far I could run, or how much weight I could lift, to me, I felt like a failure. I felt like I was putting everything I could into this and working way too hard to still be as big as I was. THAT is why I wanted/needed/committed to hit this goal.
My plan has always been to get past this number then to shift my focus completely and to have the goals of running a 10k, or doing an olympic distance tri, training for strength, endurance, and to focus on being the healthiest I can be. But mentally, I was blocked. I couldn’t do it until I got past this number. I couldn’t view myself as a success or as an athlete and still weigh over 200 pounds.
There. I said it. I weigh 200 pounds (200.2 as of this am). In fact, at my heaviest I was closer to 300 than I was to 200. Which, when I finally looked at it that way, scared the crap out of me.
The first number on the scale has been a 2 for so long that I can’t even remember when it first happened. The last weight I remember was in high school when I was at 165 and was told that I was grotesquely overweight. Now, 165 is actually in my ideal weight range! A big part of this is knowing so much more about muscle mass and let’s face it, I’m built more like a linebacker than a ballerina… but it’s also knowing that I want to be strong and I want to be able to do mud runs and climb rope walls and do wallwalkers and be FIT. And for me, fit doesn’t come at 110 pounds.
It’s VERY late at night, so by the time I finish this post, edit it and get it online, I will probably have already stepped on that scale to see if there’s a 1 or a 2 staring back at me. (So expect another post to be following soon!) 🙂
No matter what happens in the morning, I will get there. And then, I will keep going. Because that’s what athletes do, that’s what I want my kids to learn to do, and now that is what I do.